The innocence can never last

“Wow are you really that stupid?”: I remember my first experience of the real world back when I was 10. I always did my best to get my work done. But sometimes it just wasn’t enough. I tried and tried to succeed in my classes but I just kept getting knocked over. I carried the weight of fear on my back throughout high school. Four years of mental trauma which made me want to give up and call it quits. I think the first time I ever experienced my vulnerability was sophomore year in high school. Mr. Wolf’s English II class to be exact.

I always felt out of place everywhere I went. Tried too hard to become something I am not. I know it is very simple to get your work done, but staying focused is just too difficult. I knew I always had issues, but I never felt welcome anywhere I went. This all changed when I walked in Mr. Wolf’s classroom. I felt a sudden surge of purpose. This teacher who I barely knew, treated me with respect and talked to me like I was normal for once.

I remember after the very last semester of English II, he asked me if I would like to join yearbook for my Junior and Senior year.I was not expecting this, as I always thought of myself as  B- student. Someone who wouldn’t be able to contribute anything of value. Someone who wouldn’t be able to contribute his whole heart. Someone who wasn’t able to realize that these were all perceived notions I had created. I accepted his offer which made my life turn around.

After joining yearbook, I stopped thinking of myself as a B- student, which helped my boost my grades up. I changed my mentality, as well as my train of thought. I accepted who I was, who I will be, and who I want to be. I realized that my feelings of doubt, rather insecurity, will never go away. But it was okay, because I was able to understand and comprehend the fact that these certain feelings are forever. You can’t just simply wake up one day and expect everything to go smoothly. Each day is different, while you feel amazing one day, you can wake up the next feeling terrible.

“No, I’m just slow”: I know I discussed a lot of my own sense of vulnerability in the past title, but it takes time for you to develop and understand why. I think the hardest choice I have faced with vulnerability is how to deal with it. All the thoughts of negativity and despair will still exist but I try to channel it into my own life. For example, I love building electronics, so this made it easier to make friends and come out of my shell. My greatest accomplishment thus far is, being alive.Now I don’t mean as in physically alive or anything in a negative way. When I say I feel alive, its more of the idea that I am finally someone I can be proud of. During Stanton’s talk, she discussed the idea of how to deal with vulnerability. The fact is there is no way to necessarily deal with it, without harming your other emotions.

I relate this to the fact that we cannot always find ways to channel our emotions, but that is okay. We all have feelings and emotions, it’s okay to feel a certain way. It isn’t okay to just sit there and wallow around, hoping for change. You can’t just grab your vulnerability by the hand and ask it to change. I believe what Stanton was trying to say is that, we are all imperfect and we shouldn’t feel bad about it. When I say this, I’m not trying to say “stay true to yourself”. What I am trying to say is that it’s okay  that you’re imperfect. We shouldn’t just imagine this bigger idea of perfection, but rather be imperfect people who should be nurtured and loved.

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This is what I take away from my experience of my own vulnerability. I still feel it today, but it’s okay to have those emotions. I know it has made me a lot stronger mentally and physically. If I didn’t have the opportunity to join yearbook, I don’t think I would be here at CU Boulder. One of my other accomplishments was joining the class of 2019 at CU Boulder. I know it sounds like it should be easy to get accepted to college but it isn’t the case. I am glad I was able to be a part of something bigger.

It’s not to late to realize the world is yours” : I relate some of my thoughts to “Why Failure is Good for Success” by Pauline Estrem. It is a very good article which relates to many different blog posts I have read for our class.I believe it helps a lot when failure begins to grab a hold of your mind. I agree with her statement that “Failure is Life’s Greatest Teacher”. I know failure and vulnerability go hand in hand., which can cause some less than pleasant thoughts.

Another great blog I used to formulate the idea of vulnerability is “How Being Vulnerable Can Expand Your World” by Wendy Miyake. I really do agree with Miyake’s statement of “Few of us consciously choose vulnerability. Why? The stakes are too high”. I believe that most what we all go through on a daily basis can be some kind of vulnerability. Putting on a facade which will make us seem normal to society. I do believe that Miyake does make some good points about trying to take off your armor so we can see your authentic self. I know I tried the same thing, which helped me get to where I am today.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “The innocence can never last

  1. I had problems in school young as well. I actually had severe attention problems that would distract me and the students around me. Resulting with these habits, I would also get sent into time out or told to sit in the back of the class. Unfortunately, while I was in time out, I wouldn’t learn anything since I was away from what was being taught. Or being in the back of the classroom, there was no hope in me being engaged while the teacher was so far. I didn’t realize this until it was actually affecting my grades, so I didn’t find alternatives until middle school. But I wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one who had a problem that hindered your abilities to learn, and I’m glad your preserving through it!

  2. I think your story is very interesting because I had lots of problems with getting good grades previously and still today. Thats really cool to me that you developed a different perception of the type of student you were and then you became a better student.

  3. Rohit,
    I really related to your use of the phrase “being alive.” I myself occasionally find that when I get too comfortable and in a routine (which I love) that I’m not truly “living.” Its like I’m just going through the motions, not really feeling happy or sad but rather just numb. It was said in the TED talk that we as humans numb ourselves, and I admit to being the queen of it sometimes. Its oddly comforting to me, but I always have to stop myself because I too want to be proud of myself and be happy with the life I am living! Thanks for sharing that piece of wisdom.

  4. Rohit,
    Your story is incredibly inspiring. The way you shone through adversity and proved any teacher who thought less of you wrong. I too am a book often judged by its cover and it’s always uplifting to hear about someone proving people wrong.

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