Embracing my flaws: I don’t like to bring attention towards myself. I don’t like being called out in front of large groups of people to answer questions, but in college that is inevitable. In general, it’s something I have accept in my life. Anytime I see students who are confident enough with themselves to speak freely in class and large audiences, I always wonder why can’t I be more like this person, why can’t I have their confidence, why I am always giving my answer to another student just because I am too shy to speak out loud in class, why am I so scared to speak my mind. Why? Because I feel like I will be judged. I am not like that at all outside of class. I constantly think I should be outgoing in class. I should talk to the person who sits next to me in my first class. I should take advantage of the friendly atmosphere that is almost unavoidable in Boulder. I walk into the medium size lecture hall, forget the fantasy, and realize (again) why I’m not like the outgoing students in my classes. I understand I can talk. I understand that college thrives on diversity and being opened minded, but I can’t follow through to express myself and give my shy life story a voice. My story something to be proud of. Like Brene Brown said in her Ted Talk, “life is so mysterious, nuanced, ineffable—equally disturbing as it is beautiful.” Why do I hide my disturbing and beautiful life?
Is it going to happen today: I like sitting in the back of the class, especially on the first day of fall classes. I’m sitting in my first class and the professor starts the class by giving us some thought experiments to challenge our stance on certain business ethics. The class is not very big, so communication with the professor is implicitly expected. There’s already about three outgoing enviable students who have answered the professor multiple times. I really want to respond to one of the outgoing students who are running the conversation. I think about raising my hand, but obviously don’t. I don’t want to deal with the anxiety and paranoia of my peers judging my accent. I don’t want to exhibit myself. I want to stay barely acknowledged.
Surrounded by love: All my life I have always been surrounded by boys since I have five brothers. Having someone who is always there for you no matter what, even if they are having a bad day themselves. It is a blessing and the best feeling ever. I am lucky enough to say I have people like that. My friends have been helping me get rid of my fear public speaking. Excuse the upcoming clichés but, with my inner circle of homies, I have created irreplaceable memories. I know these are the times I will look back on years later and still burst out laughing, crying and hoping. The kind of times I will tell my kids about. It’s my job to touch those around me and be touched by them, with friendship and support. You can help change how your friends live their lives, how they bounce back from the lowest of times, and how they learn to love themselves.
The moment I’ve been waiting for: I still don’t talk when unprovoked in class, but I do answer questions, I do talk to a few seat neighbors, and I can tell you it feels very relieving. Being part of a group and being able to share your thoughts without fear of what people will say or do is something I don’t want to take for granted anymore. I have embraced my flaws with the help of my friends/homies. Life is about the people you share it with. Make the most of it. Surround yourself with good people and always be a good person in return.